“It Doesn’t Feel Like You Can Win”: Young Women's Talk About Heterosexual Relationships

Abstract

Scholars have long explored the expectations of women to maintain intimate relationships and the gendered discourses governing those expectations. Despite the dating landscape changes, having intimate relationships remains important for young women. Amid these changes and the impacts of #MeToo/#TimesUp, investigating the discourses at play within women's talk about intimate relationships produces a current snapshot that contrasts with past literature. Young, heterosexual women of diverse racial, educational/work, and relationship backgrounds aged 18–24 years ( N = 28) attended one of five online videoconferencing focus groups. Using an eclectic theoretical approach informed by feminist post-structuralism and discursive psychology, we analyzed women's talk about doing relationships. Mobilizing a discourse of intimate relationship necessity/importance, young women (a) were positioned as “the silenc(ed/ing) woman,” demonstrating a shared understanding of the necessity of silence when doing intimate relationships; and/or (b) actively took up “the communicative woman,” which they conceptualized as the hallmark of a healthy relationship. Tensions between these subject positions were evident (e.g., needing to be “cool”). Also, women described no-win situations in relationships despite attempts to contend with these contradictions and limitations. These findings may contribute to educational materials and youth programming delivered in high school or college.