DAD'S DOUBLE BINDS

Abstract

This study addressed the issues of how men experienced their emotional adjustment to the death of a child from cancer, as well as how they dealt with the normative imperatives of the bereaved father role. Taking a men's studies perspective, the analysis started from the assumption that our present understanding of the parental mourning process may be shaped by a tendency to apply and operationalize concepts formulated through the study of grieving mothers rather than fathers. Interviews and questionnaires were used to gather qualitative data from 55 men whose children had died 10 months to 5 years previously. Results indicated that fathers' approaches to grief were often cognitive and solitary; the men defined both the experience and expression of negative affect as dangerous for themselves and those around them. Related to this was the presence of two double binds that arose from the fathers' reluctance to divulge their feelings: The first bind stemmed from the societal expectation that men should comfort their wives and the second from the cultural ideal that healthy grieving cannot be accomplished without the sharing of feelings. The manner in which men and their families resolved these binds offers us some insight into the unique aspects of men's mourning.