LJUBAVNA MRŽNJA: PSIHODINAMIKA ODNOSA VISOKOKONFLIKTNIH PAROVA U RAZVODU

Abstract

According to the object relations theory, romantic partners are chosen on the basis of similar, complementary emotional needs and that creates a promise on the conscious and unconscious level that all that was missing in the previous relationships of an individual would be repaired through this relationship. However, in any longer relationship the breach of expectations is inevitable (destruction of an idealized image of the partner), which leads to disappointment. The destiny of the relationship depends on the way in which partners will deal with the frustrating knowledge that their idealisations will not be realised, or the level of maturity of the relationship and each partner, which is a test that many do not pass. It is commonly known that divorce rates are higher than ever before, and some divorces become high-conflict relationships in which all emotions caused by the breakdown of the relationship swirl into one common aspect – parental functioning. This paper is focused on the couples who experience a difficult breakdown of their relationship – with a lot of anger, hostility, distrust, and sometimes with the incidents of verbal and/or physical abuse, accompanied by lengthy and distressing court proceedings. It is noticeable that the conflict has a role of redefining the dynamics of their new partnership relation, and at the same time it serves as a defense of a person who does not have to deal with and face with complex unpleasant emotions that are a part of every divorce. Unable to accept, analyse and tolerate the unpleasantness of the emotions brought by divorce, these couples often use defense mechanisms of splitting and projections. The usage of these mechanisms leads to the dynamics which is characterised by a cycle of harassment, retaliation and failed reparation attempts that in turn lead to further splitting and projection, often with the resulting outcome of a high-conflict divorce. Couples remain connected and locked in mutual patterns of conflict interactions, in a kind of a tango of loving hate in a manner which restricts their capacity to separate on emotional and daily practical level. After presenting two cases from practice that describe the outlined psychodynamic terms and the interactions of partners differently, practical implications which are possible in direct work with former partners will be presented.