Recovery from Relinquishment: Forgiving my Birth Mother. My Journey from 1954 to Today

Abstract

Adoptees carry the burden of shame for being “given up, abandoned, unwanted, not right,” and birth mothers carry the weight of shame for succumbing to external pressure to relinquish their children. There is ample literature addressing recovery for both adoptees and birth mothers (Buterbaugh & Soll, 2003; Franklin, 2019; Lanier, 2020; Soll, 2005, 2013, 2014); however, there is little recognition of the co-shame and need for forgiveness. Utilizing autoethnographic methodology, I discuss the issues of misogyny prevalent in the 1950s, the “Baby Scoop Era [BSE],” and my ongoing process of forgiving my birth mother after five decades of rage. This piece attempts to provide insights into the questions: Did my birth mother voluntarily “give me up” because she didn’t want me? Who was she, and are we alike? Is it possible to stop being so angry? My findings include an understanding of the situation in which my mother struggled and forgiveness of her decision. While we share commonalities, the chasm between the social construction of reality in which she lived and mine is vast; however, we are “others of similarity” (Chang, 2008). My anger has shifted to the patriarchal and misogynistic system that permits the involuntary separation of mother and child.