Does Too Much Closeness Dampen Desire? On the Balance of Closeness and Otherness for the Maintenance of Sexual Desire in Romantic Relationships

Abstract

Sexual desire for a partner is a unique feature that distinguishes romantic relationships from other close relationships. Yet desire is one of the most fragile relationship elements, often declining over time. Research has shown that the relationship processes that foster closeness (i.e., overlap between the self and partner; interconnection) are associated with higher desire and help couples maintain desire over time. However, this work does not explain how many couples who are quite close and connected can also report low levels of desire. One perspective, mostly from clinical observations and interviews with couples, is that too much closeness in a relationship stifles desire. Here, we review the empirical evidence for the association between closeness (and related constructs) and sexual desire. From this review, we propose that higher closeness is associated with higher desire, and rather than too much closeness stifling desire, high closeness might be optimally linked to desire when paired with a sense of otherness (i.e., distinctiveness between partners that allows for new insights and acknowledgment of unique contributions). Future research refining the concept of “otherness” and considering the balance of closeness and otherness in relationships has the potential to provide new insights into sexual-desire maintenance.